


Vital Signs (Scared to Death)

by musiclily88



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fear, Fear of getting axe-murdered, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Goofy - Freeform, Louis saving the day, M/M, My Favorite Murder, Niall being a cutie patoot, THIS IS SO FLUFFY AND WEIRD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 07:08:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10552134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musiclily88/pseuds/musiclily88
Summary: “Okay, what thehell?”Louis half-cries as Niall fully shoves him onto the ugliest of his four squashy armchairs.“Here,” Niall mutters, ducking away. “Take this.”“Is—is this atruncheon?”--OR: Niall gets scared and Louis responds the only way he knows how!!!!





	

**Author's Note:**

> I can't stop listening to True Crime Podcasts, guys, okay? And they're freaking me out, and my Intrusive Thoughts keep telling me I'm gonna get axe-murdered and kept as a trophy in someone's freezer, so I had to turn it into A Cute Fic to keep that from happening (I don't tell the OCD what to do, it tells me).

Louis knocks repeatedly on Niall’s door, that special knock they bonded over the first time they got drunk together. He hears a tinny shriek from inside the flat, which is immediately entertaining. When Niall doesn’t answer right away, though, he knocks again. “Ni-fi? You all right in there?”

Eventually the door creaks open, just slightly. All Louis can see is _one_ of Niall’s normally-bright blue eyes.

“Y-you okay?” Louis stutters out.

“Lou?”

“Yeah, N, it’s me.” Only then does the door swing open wider—to a shocking image. “Is that a _cricket_ bat? What the hell? I’m not a cricket ball!”

Niall lets out a big sigh. “That’s true.” He lowers it slowly but still gives Louis a calculating stare.

“Okay, babe, what’s the deal? Let me in.” Louis, feeling self-conscious, pulls down the sleeves on his athletic jacket so they cover his hands.

“Yeah, come in. Hurry though.” Niall rushes him into the flat and slams the door behind him, making them both jump.

“Okay, what the _hell?”_ Louis half-cries as Niall fully shoves him onto the ugliest of his four squashy armchairs.

“Here,” Niall mutters, ducking away. “Take this.”

“Is—is this a _truncheon?”_ Louis balks, reeling away from the outstretched weapon. “Are you expecting a visit from—I can’t even think of something adequately menacing! That’s how alarming you’re being right now! What the hell is the matter with you?”

“I’m—you can’t laugh.” His teeth are worrying at the inside of his cheek, Louis can tell. It’s troubling.

“I’m too freaked out to laugh right now, don’t worry.” Louis rolls his eyes, gently removing the truncheon from Niall’s clenched hand.

“I’m worried about getting serial-killed.”

“Serial-killed.” This is not a question, but it’s also not _not_ a question.

“Well, killed by a serial murderer, more like.”

“Sure,” Louis responds, like it’s the most reasonable thing in the world. 

He’s heard it’s wisest to keep crazy people calm, which is likely something his uni roommate Tim told him before emptying Louis’ entire pants drawer and flying to Thailand. Come to think of it, Louis really needs to pay more attention to who he spends time with. Niall and Tim aren’t the only ones Louis has had to talk down from the metaphorical ledge.

Slowly, he stands up, still holding the truncheon. He moves towards the side table and picks up the pint glass sitting there, giving it a cursory sniff. It doesn’t smell of anything untoward, but Louis doesn’t really know what bath salts smell like.

“I’m not—I’ve not gone daft!” Niall frowns at him, his scrunchy-sad frown that lets Louis know he’s gotta backpedal like mad or seriously risk hurting Niall’s feelings.

“I never said that!”

“You _implied_ it.”

“Um. Right. Soz about that. Say, why don’t you tell me why you’ve gone a little—” He waves vaguely towards Niall, wiggling his fingers. The gesture seems to be enough.

“Kill-crazy?”

“Your words, not mine.” Louis has the good grace to at least look chagrined. His mum did raise him with manners, after all. Slowly, he releases the truncheon, placing it carefully on the floor. “How about I make you some tea, yeah? Tea fixes everything.”

“Tea won’t fix a sucking chest wound!” Niall roars, running both his hands through his hair

“That’s—yeah. Okay, I really need a road map here, because I’m completely lost.”

“Right, so you know—”

“But first, tea.”

“Fine.” Niall heaves a huge sigh. “Tea.” Louis cuddles closer to him, carefully avoiding all the weapons in his immediate vicinity, taking Niall under his arm. Together they shamble into the tiny kitchen and Louis fills the kettle, feeling the tension in Niall’s shoulders. “So you know how you said podcasts have changed your life and they would totally revolutionize my commute and keep me from wanting to stab that one guy who always chews really loudly on the Tube?”

Louis blinks twice. “Vaguely.”

“Sure you do. Right? I think the phrase you used was _No, Niall, we can’t both be brawlers, I’m the feisty one in this relationship, and I can’t have you usurping my title even if it’s to bottle a knobhead who can’t keep his mouth shut at half-seven_ or something approximating that.”

“Excuse you, Niall, that sounds nothing like me whatsoever. Stop casting aspersions and get to the point while I slave over this hot kettle to make you a cup of delicious tea.” Louis is absolutely not flushing bright pink.

“So, to keep from bottling the knobhead, I downloaded a bunch of podcasts, including—”

Now Louis goes cold, closing his eyes, nearly forgetting the kettle’s about to go. “Oh, god. Please tell me you didn’t.”

“Including My Favorite Murder.”

“You _didn’t.”_

“I _almost_ didn’t, because they spelled favourite wrong, but it seemed entertaining, you know? Enough to keep me occupied on the—what did you call it?”

“World’s most tedious form of public transportation,” Louis says on an exhale. Which is, he thinks, a perfectly valid opinion. “That is a perfectly valid opinion, by the way.”

“Yeah, I—I wasn’t arguing that, I was—”

“Good, because I think it’s best to defer to me in all decisions you make. Ever. I’m the logical one in this relationship and can always be trusted to look out for your best interests.”

Niall nods solemnly, waiting for Louis to finish his tea. “So, how do I avoid getting brutally axe-murdered, then?”

Louis grabs two mugs and sets about making their cups, considering the dilemma at hand. “Well,” he replies slowly, “I’d say lay off the cricket batting, because it’s kind of like bringing a knife to a gun fight, you know?” He puts a heaping spoonful of sugar into Niall’s tea, because it seems like he needs the sustaining power right now. Louis is far from heartless.

Niall sighs again, taking the proffered mug of perfectly-prepared tea from Louis. In return, he hands over the bat. “But then, what do I do?”

Louis hefts the bat over his shoulder, feeling equal parts Beyoncé and Harley Quinn and every other badass person in the universe who ever held some kind of bat with the intention of Making Trouble. Giving Niall a bright smile, he says the truest words to ever have left his mouth: “Don’t worry, babe. I’ll protect you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment with your favorite thing for Niall to be scared of!  
> Next up: GHOSTS

**Author's Note:**

> comment and suchlike!
> 
> tumblr: musiclily


End file.
